Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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