All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Randomize
