im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
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