You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
