I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
the liver wants what the liver wants
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
