Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
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