he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
