the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
