just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
