Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
