WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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