Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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