Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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