Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
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Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
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Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize