Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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