Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
