I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
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I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
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