I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
