she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
