That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
