Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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