can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath