Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
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Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
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So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.