Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
