She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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