You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
