Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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