The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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