I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
