Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
