Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
