The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text