Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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