Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
