My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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