Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
