All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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