Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
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have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
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I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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