so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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