How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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