u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
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Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
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The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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