I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I think I won the penis lottery.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
