I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
