He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”