I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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