I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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