i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
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We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
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Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard