i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."