So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
