maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
