I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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