I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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