He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
