toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
