recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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