It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
