I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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