Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
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If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
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If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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