I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
There's always time for handjobs
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
