the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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