Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
