o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
