Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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