no, he came in my armpit
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
