All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Randomize
