Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
