Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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